Have you heard of sexually transmitted debt?

“I would have debt collectors call me, multiple times and be very threatening on the phone. Because of money he owed.”

These are the words of a person who fell in love. A person who, like many of us, brought a ‘what’s mine is yours’ mentality to building a life with a partner. A person who endured years of financial abuse, unwittingly accumulating what has become known as ‘sexually transmitted debt’. 

“It’s a relatively new term used to describe something that’s been going on for a while,” says Tania Farha to FW. Farha is the CEO of Safe and Equal, the peak body for specialist family violence services in Victoria. “Sexually transmitted debt is debt that’s generally accrued by an abusive partner that a victim-survivor becomes liable for.” 

The person whose words you read earlier goes by the pseudonym Tomas* in season two of the award-winning FW podcast, There’s No Place Like Home. He shares that soon after starting a relationship with Jim* – a decade older than Tomas and, at the time, in a high-paid job and between apartments – Jim moved in. 

“It was a bit confusing for me at the start as to why he didn’t have anywhere to stay or why he couldn’t get his own place pretty quickly,” says Tomas who, as the years rolled by, shouldered responsibility for their shared loans and debts.  

“Mobile phone contracts, rent, bonds, it was just always in my name. Which I didn’t really think twice about. But now I know it was because this person had really bad debt [and] wouldn’t be able to get the contract if they used their own details.”

As Farha points out, sexually transmitted debt can impact anyone and is much more prevalent than we think. “Perpetrators are very good at manipulation and building a sense of trust and dependency, which makes this kind of abuse really hard to unravel and recognise.” 

Eventually, Tomas learned that Jim was gambling. Then the debt collectors started calling. “When I would say I was a bit nervous or a bit afraid, [Jim] would say just chill out. Just calm down.” 

“Don’t sign anything you’re unsure of and get some advice if you can.”

After welcoming children via surrogacy, the stakes got much higher.

“[One week] I had no money for food for them,” says Tomas. “I had to call my family and ask if I could borrow $100… This was a real warning for me that, okay, my kids are actually going to be in danger if I stay in this situation.”

Farha says there are ways to minimise the risk of sexually transmitted debt happening. Like considering joint-signature requirements for loans and shared accounts and, if possible, keeping a separate account with your own funds. 

“Don’t sign anything you’re unsure of and get some advice if you can – even if it’s a trusted friend or colleague. And seek financial advice and support if you’re concerned.”

By offering free and confidential support to all Australians, no matter who they bank with, CommBank Next Chapter has supported thousands of victim-survivors to take steps to get back on their feet. As Tomas did, after leaving Jim.  

“Getting out, if you can, is so important,” he says. “Because someone who is going to financially abuse you, even if they are lovely in every other aspect, is not worth it.”