A Melbourne clinical psychologist who helps mums and children who have escaped domestic violence has urged parents and professionals to ‘speak the unspeakable’, warning that even some clinicians are still reluctant to ask children exactly what they endured for fear of retraumatising them. 

This reluctance, she says, actually has the opposite effect. 

“It’s very common that families haven’t had conversations, it’s just too hard,” Clinical Psychologist Dr Sherryn Tobin told FW’s There’s No Place Like Home podcast, which centres on pathways to long-term healing and recovery from domestic violence. 

“Mums in particular worry about further traumatising kids. [But] not just mums, other clinicians too, so professionals as well. But we know children know and we’re just putting words to what they’ve gone through and their internal story.” 

Dr Tobin was one of several clinical psychologists who spent over a year counselling mums and preschool-aged children as part of an innovative pilot program run in Victoria and South Australia that helps them rebuild their emotional bond. For Dr Tobin, rebuilding a stable connection with a safe adult through “is the best way to help children heal”. 

It’s also an opportunity to place blame where it belongs.

“For children, everything’s about them,” said Dr Tobin. “The good stuff but also the scary stuff. So it’s not uncommon for kids to blame themselves or to think, say, ‘If I hadn’t been messy, Dad wouldn’t have gotten angry and he wouldn’t have hurt mum’.” 

Bethany Adams is a Melbourne-based survivor advocate, domestic violence frontline worker and mum of three. She says that while she “tried to create as many opportunities for softness” in their childhood home, she could see the toll the children’s father’s abuse took on them as they grew up.

“I used to see other children playing at the playground and seeing how free and easy they were. They have a different air about them. I felt like I’d had to hold up the sky – that I could only rely on myself and they could only rely on me,” Adams told the FW podcast. She admits the idea of discussing what had gone on in detail was terrifying. Eventually Adams’ fear subsided.

“I don’t think anyone can do this kind of healing and recovery alone.”

“I went from being terrified to realising how important it is to actually model to your children that, ‘I’ve been really affected by this’, or ‘I’m not okay today, I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed’, and just really normalising it.” 

Dr Tobin describes these interactions between non-violent parents and children as ‘angel moments’ that can foster connection and understanding, and counteract isolation, shame and loneliness.

“[If children don’t talk about what happened to them] they’re alone in that. And I don’t think anyone can do this kind of healing and recovery alone. You need other people, particularly kids.” 

Bethany Adams says the thing she’s most proud of is her kids – and how they’ve “regained their spark” since their escape. “And as hard as it is to leave, I think it’s the biggest gift. Because your children get to be who they are.”

The facts about children and domestic violence in Australia

• An estimated two in five children (40%) have been exposed to domestic violence between a parent or caregiver and their partner;
• About one in six women and one in nine men have experienced abuse – most often by a parent or family member;
• Being exposed to domestic violence as a child also increases the risk of homelessness, developmental and adjustment problems, academic success, mental health and overall wellbeing;
• This includes children who are ‘indirectly’ affected – those who witness or live in a home where violence is perpetrated but are not directly targeted.